I usually try to take the very best care of my daughter I can. Usually, but not always. Those moments when I bump up against my own limitations as a parent are certainly not my proudest, but so far they are not consuming me with guilt either. I don't want to passively accept my limitations--I always want to work to grow past them--but I do strive to accept myself in all of my flawed humanity, and I know that my parenting will be as flawed as the rest of me is.
Today I might continue with my work just a few minutes past when I should, as she sits waiting for me, awake in her crib. Just one more email honey, I'll be right there. Or I will reach for a baby food jar because I was too busy watching Grey's Anatomy last night to make her something better. I know this is pretty innocuous, but give me time...it will segue directly into parking her in front of the TV for hours on end as she noshes on fast food. Add a few more years to that and I'll really be ready to screw her up.
But I do try. I am decently careful and picky about what I feed her, what I read to her, what she plays with. I educate myself on what to expect, what to encourage, how to entertain and educate at the same time. But I bumped up against a thick brick wall of my own limitations today.
I am a big fan of Michelle O'Neil's blog and think she is an incredible parent. I've been reading her concerns about the dangers of vaccinations, following her links to more information, reading about it and discussing it like the concerned parent I fancy myself to be. My daughter has been getting her vaccines regularly, and has most of the big ones coming up in the next 6 months.
So I went to her check-up today armed with questions: How much mercury is in these vaccines? Why must they be given all at once like this--can't we space them out? How necessary is it, really, to pump my baby full of so much poison? My doctor, an intelligent and kind young women, respectfully addressed each question: only one infant shot has any mercury at all, and it's almost none; spacing them out just gives the baby more pain and more frequent side effects; most people feel it is a good idea to protect people from these life-threatening diseases.
And instead of challenging her, asking for more details, more specifics, following up in ANY way, I smiled and breathed a big sigh of relief. Phew! Okay, great, thanks for indulging me, see you in a month, have those needles ready! Pushing the stroller home, I realized: I did not ask those questions to get more information or even to protect my daughter. I only asked them so I could feel better. I wanted her to say just enough for me to feel okay about them, to not have to worry about things I don't understand, and I was very happy that that is exactly what she did.
So, limitless love, but limited parenting. Even as I write this, I still feel relieved, I still plan on proceeding with the vaccines just as they tell me too. All I can say is that I will remember this moment the next time I feel judgmental about someone else's parenting decisions.
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10 comments:
Welcome to the real joys of parenting! So much TFBS to wade through constantly. In the end, love period is all you can offer/promise.
Carrie's right. We can all only do what we can do. I'm impressed that, as a first time mother, you are not consumed with guilt at the thought that you can't do everything perfectly for your baby all the time. Talk about well-adjusted! Your daughter will take some fantastic cues from you as she grows, not the least of which is that sometimes love IS enough.
Great story, Kim. I'm not a parent, but this situation is familiar to me.
You live the examined life, you take the time to explore your deepest dreams/fears/motivations -- "should" as a concept just falls out of the equation. You see what IS, and you know your power. Your love will be enough. Already is! :) xo
Parenting is the hardest job in the world, and this is the hardest part.
Make the best, most informed decisions you can and don't look back. It's the best you--or anyone--can do.
love.
What beautiful honesty. What a lucky little girl to be loved by a mom with eyes and heart wide open for all the light to shine in.
Read this earlier and had so much to say that I couldn't say anything. Now at 2:30am....I totally get where you're at and I struggle with the same thing. There is just SO much information available now, so many contradictory, 'valid', researched points of view. And none of it leads to true security or joy. That has to come deep listening, from the gut. I guess it's also about balancing all the info - internal and external. But...would love to continue the conversation, as I'm navigating the same.
Difficult to imagine you could ever be anything but a perfect parent.
"So, limitless love, but limited parenting." You nailed it perfectly.
Love how you fess up to asking the question and being so content to take the answer, and the path of least resistance, "without having to worry about things I don't understand."
Also, the biggest offender is the MMR - it's most often associated with triggering autism. You can ask your doc to give it as three separate shots for Measles, Mumps and Ruebella instead of bundled.
I love the honesty in this post, and the awareness you have. I love how much I am learning about parenting from everyone here. And, I love your writing.
Can't wait to meet Isabel!
Mothering is a relentless softening of yourself to yourself...your limits are the teachings your daughter needs...for how else can she be human without a role model of humanity. You are kind, you are careful, you are flawed, you admit it...she is blessed!
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